TV for Dudes too Stupid to Read Maxim

I’m tired tonight and didn’t want to be up for two or three hours writing about a real network (or even NBC) like I did last night, so I wanted to pick on someone easy and quick. And then I just kept hitting refresh on Twitter and Tumblr instead of picking anyone, and suddenly it was two hours later than when I sat down to write and I still hadn’t picked anyone…

And then of course it came to me.

I haven’t watched anything on Spike since 2007 when Donnie Wahlberg and John Leguizamo appeared in the miniseries, The Kill Point. I think I watched two or three hours of that before I wandered off to look at dust motes floating in a sunbeam. It was exceptionally entertaining, although I did find myself pondering how we each of us is so like those motes, swirling frantically when external forces act upon us, yet floating nearly weightless for most of our existence. Our lives, brief as the inexorable fall of the dust to the floor, but punctuated by moments of transcendent beauty and dance.

The Kill Point wasn’t nearly as interesting. I think. I don’t really remember it at all. There were manly men with guns and they did manly men things.

Which is Spike’s whole mission, innit?

I’m browsing their website right now, trying to see if any of these shows are things anyone I know (and don’t actively avoid) would watch.

  • Bar Rescue – which looks like the manly answer to Food Network’s Restaurant: Impossible. As I actually sometimes watch the drama queen fix restaurants, it’s hard for me to be too critical of this reality show’s format. Hell, maybe I’d like it. Assuming they don’t fix all the bars by hiring busty waitresses and putting in a Golden Tee.
  • Jail – because COPS didn’t go far enough?
  • Blue Mountain State – I actually watched a few minutes of this show’s pilot one night. I was looking for something new and different to stream on Netflix and saw this. It was abysmal. I mean, absolutely fucking dreadful. Brian Robbins’ Varsity Pictures shingle produces it, so I gave it that few minutes, hoping there’d at least be some unintentional humor of the “I don’t want your life” variety. There wasn’t.

Alright. This is getting fucking painful. There’s a show about tattoo artists, there’s wrestling, ((Apparently Syfy and USA Network aren’t good enough.)) there’s Jenn Sterger ((I only barely know who this chick is at all because I remember her being mocked on Deadspin from time to time.)) interviewing B-listers at a bowling alley, ((I’m not making this shit up.)) and there are a few more shows that are direct rip-offs of other networks’ reality offerings.

One scripted show, a bunch of copycat reality shows, and endless replays of manly man movies that are cheap enough for MTV networks to afford to throw on little kid brother Spike instead of informercials.

I’d say something trite about this being a network for the AXE Body Spray set, but that would be insulting to douches. This isn’t a network; it’s a way station.

This is just a spot filler in the upper hundreds of your cable or satellite provider. Something to click past as you’re looking for softcore porn or streaming music channels.