Crack wise all you want about my Eisenhower jacket Dubby. But I wear it because it’s named after a man who led soldiers through harsh times against the darkest of evils. This jacket says something about…about me. The man I choose to be.
Middleman 2008 is all about honor and duty and pride and sacrifice. He watches westerns and believes in true love. He drinks milk and eschews obscenities. He’s a throwback to a simpler time. But that’s not the job, that’s the man. So when Middleman 1969 – a suave and slimy Kevin Sorbo – is thawed out to face off against his arch-nemesis, there’s more than a little tension the Middleranks.
Breakfast for Dinner
Wendy Watson meets Tyler for dinner at The Batter of the Bulge Pancake House. Known for their luftwaffles and panzer cakes, she’s a little surprised that on a third date Tyler would choose to shoot so low. But little does she know that…I mean…Gut Wrencher 1, banned in 17 countries and denounced by both Tipper Gore AND the Dalai Lama! The goriest, bloodiest, most hellacious arcade game ever.
After a scant $18, Tyler and Wendy finish the game, killing the 86th Level Blood Lust Catamite with a SCUD missile. Out of breath, glowing with post-coinop sweat, they kiss passionately. Not long after, they retire to the illegal sublet Wendy shares with another young, photogenic artist. She removes her Middlewatch and…Ida gets a show.
Ten hours later, after oh so much spending of the night together, Wendy shares her fears with Lacey. Specifically, she tells Lacey that her mutant power is seeing how every relationship she has will end. But she can’t see the end of this one. Noser, ever rational, thinks this is a coping mechanism.
Like Butter
At Middleman HQ, Middleman is a bit awkward and uncomfortable. He mentions her watch, and its recording capabilities. Wendy…gets it. She’s flustered. Middleman points out that there is a way to turn it off, with Code 86. Wendy’s uncomfortable. Middleman’s uncomfortable. They really wish there were some crime to investigate. Ida obliges, telling them someone melted a jewelry store.
At Klebb’s Fine Jewels, Middleman and Wendy discover that someone looking like Andy Warhol melted a wall and stole $1M worth of jewels. The M.O. looks familiar to Middleman, which calls for quick and decisive action! To the Middleman HQ Archive!
Dubby thinks the research is a bit less than exciting.
MM: In the immortal words of Bertolt Brecht, ‘Hungry man reach for the book it is a weapon.’”
WW: Brecht was a communist.
Slowly thumbing through the Middlelore, Dubby and Middleman take note of some of the great villains of the past:
- The Domino, a Lithuanian who tried to knock down all the buildings in the city.
- The Fabulous Face, who replaced everyone in the White House with an evil double. He succeeded, but no one noticed.
- Dr. Solaris, who tried to poison the water supply with a boredom toxin.
- The Candle. Prof. Lloyd Kramden, PhD, whose family died in an ice rink meltdown and decided everyone else should suffer the same fate.
Ida, Ho
Alright. She’s not a ho. But her heart belonged to another before it belonged to the Middleman. When she hears that The Candle is back to his evil ways, she initiates the Middlecryogenic chamber and unfreezes Middleman 1969.
If The Candle can get his hands on Balthorium G, he’ll be able to power his melting rays, so 69 plants an ad in The Thrifty Nickel, offering to sell some. Middleman gets antsy, but the phone surely rings for Harry Lime. The Middletrio head out for a stakeout.
As 69 tells Wendy that love is not for those who wear the uniform of the Middleman, the current model gets in a fight with a melting ray-wielding maniac who looks like Andy Warhol behind the car. You see, 69’s first, third, and fourth wives were all killed by supervillains. His second wife left him for a supervillain. Love’s not in the cards for the Middles.
Having subdued The Candle – who after all was just a kid – he’s interrogated back at Middleman HQ. Turns out that The Candle found Jesus and stopped being a villain. He gave the kid a letter telling him to give the melting ray to science, but the kid thought – hey, melting ray! Lemme steal something!
Not buying the kid’s story, 69’s about to start beating him when Middleman stops him cold. Then Ida comes and breaks it all up. This leads to a retirement ceremony for 69, and Middleman forces him to give his civilian name. “Guy Goddard. Choke on it.”
Old Middlemen Never Die…
At the illegal sublet Wendy shares with Lacey, Guy shows up. He starts hitting on Lacey and she…well she clearly has a thing for Middlemen. But Guy’s really there to get Wendy to help him out with his plans. He knows The Candle’s still alive and plotting. 4000 angstroms of Balthorium G. are in the basement vault at Lord Jeremiah Purcell’s house. One angstrom is enough to melt a city. 4000 is “the perfect gimlet of meltageddon.”
The plan is to get invited to a game of Shaboomey (see, How I Met Your Mother, episode “Atlantic City” or Friends, episode “The One with the Baby Shower” for similar games) so Guy can sneak about the house. But it’s a very complicated game. One for which the penalty of making a mistake, or not knowing a rule, is beheading. But Dubby’s fine. She played Gut Wrencher 1.
For those of use who’ve waited patiently…Natalie Morales in the catsuit. Thank you, Javier Grillo-Marxauch!
Each player at Lord Jeremiah Purcell’s nefarious mansion brought a rare and priceless artifact. Guy brought the missing 18 and a half minutes (he spent five days in the ’70s back in ’66.) The rules of the game are byzantine and labyrinthine and…and any other words you can come up with for complex and confusing. But when Guy heads out to snoop, Dubby holds her own. Including bunnies.
When things do head south – Anatol Gogol cheated building a house of cards by using a glue stick – and Dubby has to pull her gun, Middleman comes sailing through the window and gives her a helping grenade. He had her back the whole time. They head down to the basement, but Guy’s hand has been melted! He says The Candle is alive and absconded with the Balthorium before he could plant the tracer.
…They Just Fade Away
Ida gives Guy a hook and plans are made. The Candle’s island fortress is on Snake Island, but Dubby’s suggestion of strafing it with the Middlejet is laughed at by Middlemen of two generations. Supervillains outfit their island fortresses with landmines and missile defense systems and androids and a lot of Scandinavian furniture. Then Wendy asks how they’ll get to the island and Guy says “maybe Scottie can beam us down. It’s…an obscure reference to a canceled television show. I’m sure you’ve never heard of it.”
No, they’ll need the Model 4600 Middlesub with the protective layer of asbestos.
Arriving at Snake Island near Dead Man’s Bluff Just Below the Devil’s Throat, Middleman and Guy are in wetsuits. Wendy is in a bikini (thanks, Javier!) Honey Ryder‘s bikini. Even with the big old knife on the waist. Nice touch.
They hear the melting ray kick on – the ray that’s going to melt the moon – and the Middletrio split up. Guy and Wendy end up coming right back to where they started, but Middleman is trapped in a room with a giant melting ray. It doesn’t look good for him. But when Wendy wants to go back to save him, Guy pulls his gun.
Of course. Lure them to the island to kill the Middleman and retake the helm. The “plan is sheer elegance in its simplicity,” Wendy says. Because yeah, the bad guys still say that. She takes his gun, but it’s not necessary at that point. Just telling him he was acting like a bad guy was enough to shake him free from his momentary flirtation with evil. He’s a Middleman, damn it! He destroys the melting ray, killing himself in the process.
Wendy and Tyler, Sittin’ in a Tree
After the heat of the arcade-fueled evening, things cooled off a little bit between the young lovers. Mostly, that’s because Wendy was self-sabotaging, but once she finally got over her fears and let go…well, Ida has multiple surveillance cameras in place.
Shout-outs
Almost all of these refer to fictional spies. All but Nolan Bushnell. For that one, you should check your geek cred.
“sweet mother of Nolan Bushnell”
Code 86
Rosa Klebb
Dr. Alexander Scott and Kelly Robinson
Lloyd Kramden
Balthorium
Harry Lime
Harry Rule and Contessa Caroine di Contini
Anatol Gogol
Count Manzeppi
The Scot (really…just look…it’s a SEAN CONNERY lookalike)
Final Thoughts
I thought the Star Trek joke was funny on two levels. At first it just looks like a silly, throwaway line. But Kevin Sorbo spent a good long time flying around in his space pajamas aboard the Andromeda. He knows from silly sci-fi for the kids.
Beyond that, there were a few really touching moments between Wendy and Middleman. Her hug when he was still alive, him telling her that true love is as much an option for Middlemen as everyone else, and his very heartfelt explanation of the Eisenhower jacket. There were a few things that felt a bit off for me tonight, but I thought they nailed the emotions, both of two people whose friendship is deepening as they fight evil, and of two people just falling in love.
What did everyone else think?