We should start by rechristening this one “I love Jemaine,” because really, I love Jemaine. And never more so than when something is smacking him in the face. We are both funny that way. Bret, on the other hand, is funny in the way that he’s willing to insult not five but seven famed rap artists in the course of an approximately 26-second number during yet another gig at the local library. (A number that also includes an approximately 1.5-second bass solo by Jemaine and is notable for having only one lyric—“______ is not very good”—and a single variation on that lyric: “But the Rhymenoceros is very, very good.”)

I guess it’s safe to assume they returned that library cushion they stole earlier, but that is the least of their worries because, as Murray points out at the subsequent band meeting, Bret has now dissed an awful lot of rappers. (“Snoopy! What’s your problem with him?”) He then goes on to hurt poor Greg’s feelings over the broken intercom whilst explaining to Bret how to diss someone properly, in private, so as not to hurt their feelings. First tip: do it privately!

Insert: “Hurt Feelings”
Some people say that rappers don’t have feelings—
We have feelings. (We have feelings.)
Some people say that we are not rappers. (We’re rappers.)
That hurts our feelings. (Hurts our feelings when you say we’re not rappers.)
Some people say that rappers are invincible—
We’re vincible. (We’re vincible.)
What you ae about to hear are true stories,
Real experiences,
Autobiographical raps.
Things that happened to us— All true—
Bring the rhyme!
I make a meal for my friends,
Try to make it delicious,
Try to keep it nutritious,
Create wonderful dishes.
Not one of them thinks about the way I feel,
Nobody compliments the meal.
I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings.
I feel like a prize asshole,
No one even mentions my casserole.
I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings.
You coulda said something nice about my profiteroles.
Here’s a little story to bring a tear to your eye,
I was shopping for a wetsuit to scuba dive,
But every suit I tried is too big around the thighs,
And the assistant suggested I try a ladies’ size!
I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings.
I’m not gonna wear a ladies’ wetsuit—I’m a man!
I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings.
Get me a small man’s wetsuit, please.
It’s my birthday, 2003,
Waitin’ for a call from my family—
They forgot about me!
I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings.
The day after my birthday is not my birthday, Mum!
I call my friends and say, “Let’s go into town,”
But they’re all too busy to go into town.
So I go by myself, I go into town,
Then I see all my friends, they’re all in town.
I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings.
They’re all lined up to watch that movie, “Maid in Manhattan.”
Have you even been told that your ass is too big?
Have you ever been asked if your hair is a wig?
Have you ever been told you’re mediocre in bed?
Have you ever been told you’ve got a weird-shaped head?
Has your family ever forgotten you and driven away?
Once again, they forgot about J!
Were you ever called “homo” ‘cuz at school you took drama?
Have you ever been told that you look like a llama?
Tears of a rapper (tears of a rapper),
I’m crying tears of a rapper…
Tears of a rapper…

Finally, Murray warns Bret that if he continues dissing rappers, they’ll hurt more than his feelings: they’ll hurt his pretty little brain! And then he tells them both to scram.

The Conchords head off to pick up some sage street advice from Dave, who informs them that in the United States, rapper rivalries typically result in death—“Or worse.” (“Isn’t it the same way with rappers back in Newfoundland?” I love Dave.) Luckily the only other rapper in New Zealand is Steve, who as Bret points out is actually a lovely guy. But Dave’s not finished; the “worse than death” part? Is getting your whole body chopped off, leaving only your dick behind. Both Jemaine and I scratch our heads at that one, but Bret has heard enough. He is off to start his own gang, and starts by taping his own sign to light poles about town, reading “GANG MEMBERS WANTED: experience essential, fighting skills preferable.” Weaving skills optional, apparently.

Come Monday, and Bret is busy interviewing potential gang members, starting with the aged and possibly crazy Johnny Boy, who is played by Seymour Cassel and whom we also know as the great Bert Fischer in “Rushmore” and Dusty the elevator doctor in “The Royal Tenenbaums.” Johnny Boy brings with him plenty of previous gang experience, including stints with the Snake Eyes, the Duckies, the Cuckoos, the Vampires, the Pharaohs, the Ballroom Dancers, the Hobo Lords, the Little Enchanters, the Monkey Lords, the Rockers, the Gentleman Jims, the Tsars, the Stars, and the Mighty Midgets from Queens. “They’re all gangs, Big Daddy!” I’m not sure Johnny Boy is all there, frankly, or that any of these gangs ever existed, but I like the cut of this bird’s jib, and so does Bret. Hired!

Ditto Mr. and Mrs. Li from the Internet café downstairs, who mostly want the gang’s help in scaring off teen vandals, and Dave, who tells Bret that he was once a Navy SEAL and can make a weapon from just about any garden implement you can think of. Especially a watering can tied to a hose. (“What’s that, Officer? No, just watering the geroniums.” Again: love Dave, love Dave’s fluid fix on languages.)

Meanwhile, back in the elevator of the New Zealand Consulate, Murray is busy getting dissed by a nasty trio from the Australian Consulate, of all places, who tease him about New Zealand’s lack of mineral exports for ’08–’09. And now Murray is pissed! You’re pulling the wrong tit there, boy-o’s, is what he is thinking as he struggles to extract himself from the elevator, after they’ve safely exited.

Tuesday: gang meeting! Bret and the Tough Brets gather at Bret’s apartment to review his nonexistent death threats and outline a superfluous defense schedule. From what I can tell, this works out to coverage by Johnny Boy till 8:00 p.m., with Dave coming on at 6:00 (except weekends) and the Li’s during lunch and after 7:00. Dave also offers to weaponize gardening gloves for everybody. No takers there, but most of them are up for a cup of tea, and it looks like we are once again playing fast and loose with the ol’ cup roster.

Meanwhile, Jemaine is out walking the streets alone when Mel and Doug pull up to drop off a ferociously scary piece of handmade fan art, painted by Mel and featuring Jemaine. And here it seems safe to say that the wrong guy started a gang, and in defense of the wrong thing, because: yikes. It takes a second for Jemaine to even recognize himself in this painting, and yet he is able to register the appropriate degree of horror and disbelief mixed in with the fear and pride. “You should hang it on your wall, so you can see how strong and powerful you are,” Mel says. And exactly how short his shorts are, I guess. Then she tells him that she had to toss the one she made of Bret due to some overly sexual crotchiness about the crotch. I say it twice: yikes. Also, where can I buy my copy?

Anyway, this is leading up to my very favorite scene of all, which is the face smacking. As he opens the door to his apartment, while holding a bag full of groceries, a perfectly oblivious Jemaine is 1) whacked in the face with a broom by Johnny Boy, 2) slapped from behind by Mrs. Li, 3) hit in the face by Dave via “can attack,” and finally—after a moment of reprieve—4) slapped in the face by Mr. Li, who is crouching in the kitchen cupboard and to whom he then hands a box of cereal. Together they are all protecting Bret, who has been hiding in the ceiling all day on the off chance that Missy Elliot stops by to chop off his body.

Band meeting. First up: Murray has heard “from one of the band” that Bret has started a gang! Furthermore, this same source has reported that Jemaine was recently the victim of a surprise gang attack! Jemaine says nothing, but Bret seems able to infer the identity of this so-called “source” all on his own. And Jemaine is mostly hurt that he was never invited into the gang. (Doesn’t Bret know about his fighting skills? Too bad he was busy eating that sandwich when Jemaine wrestled Todd in the park last season.)

Murray tells Bret it’s over: “This gang is disbandoned!” Which could mean several things, and makes me think that perhaps Murray has no native language. Then he and Bret debate, in a circuitous way, whether or not Bret should have a gang at all. Murray says no; Bret says yes. Jemaine also says yes. Then Greg shows up to invite Murray to the Australian Consulate cocktail party, but Murray will only go if he can take a Conchord along with him, which is the type of deal I would also like to make. Then he tells a neat little morality tale about his own childhood “bikey gang”—which consisted of his brother Graeme, his father Gordon, and Murray as the bag boy—but this also fails to dissuade Bret. And so the Tough Brets live to fight another day.

Too bad Bret’s gang time leaves Jemaine on his own again, and he bikes up to their building just as Mel is digging through the garbage. Where she finds her horrible painting of Jemaine: “I noticed that the fan art I painted for you is out on the stoop near the garbage.” I like that; her artful dodging of the obvious reminds me of Michael Scott sometimes. And just like Pam, Jemaine is incapable of hurting anybody’s feelings, so he tells her that Bret was jealous: in fact, “He went apeshit.” Never suspecting that Mel will make things better by taking the fan art with her in order to make it much, much worse.

Thursday: Murray arrives at the cocktail party with his Plus One, or in this case Jemaine, who is wearing a denim blazer that is conveniently three or four sizes too small for his frame. He’s also wearing a tie, which is cute, and has only tagged along for the free cheese. Thus he does not suspect that he will be picked on by Murray’s nasty trio of Australians, who guess that he is either Murray’s wife, girlfriend, or Miss New Zealand. But while Jemaine is too distracted by all the cheese and grapes to care, Murray insists on running and squealing to the Australian ambassador, who unfortunately is up on his Miss New Zealand jokes, too. (“Is that true?” he asks Jemaine, when Murray points out that Jemaine is a man.) Even Greg laughs along at that one.

Insert: “Hurt Feelings” (reprise)
Murray: I’ve got hurt feelings, I’ve got hurt feelings.
Murray and Mel: I’ve got hurt feelings, I’ve got hurt feelings.
Murray and Doug: I’ve got hurt feelings, I’ve got hurt feelings.
Murray and Greg: I’ve got hurt feelings, I’ve got hurt feelings.
Murray: Have you ever been made fun of because of where you were from?
Murray and Greg: Have you ever been dissed over the intercom?
Murray and Mel: Have you ever found a gift you’ve given thrown away?
Murray and Doug: Have you ever been told that you’re the wrong shape?
Murray and Jemaine: Have you ever been told you’re Miss New Zealand?
Murray and Jemaine: Have you ever had hurt feelings?

Friday. Bret and Dave are on rapper patrol out on the street, sitting in Dave’s car while they undergo a serious discussion of rappers who’ve starred in movies and TV, and during which they completely overlook the two teenage punks who are in the process of vandalizing the Li’s internet café. Also on the streets in another part of town are Jemaine, Murray, and Greg, who run into the nasty Australian trio and saunter up for a confrontation. Both Bret and Murray decide—independently yet simultaneously—that it’s time for a throwdown, West Side Story-style. (You will probably need to watch this several times in order to appreciate Murray serious balletic chops.)

Insert: Stay Cool
Stay cool, Bret. Stay cool.
Stay cool, Bret.
Bret, cool your jets, don’t sweat.
Don’t flip, don’t get upset.
Bret, let ’em go, daddy-o.
Listen Bret, the kid’s not a threat.
Not gonna sleep till I found him.
I’ll pound him,
I’ll bet he regrets that he ever messed with Bret from the Tough Brets.
Stay cool, Bret, Bret, stay cool.
Stay cool, Bret, Bret, stay cool.
Stay cool, Bret, Bret, stay cool.
Stay cool, Bret, Bret, stay cool.
Stay cool, Murray. Stay cool, Murray.
Stay cool, Murray. What’s the hurry?
Hello Murray, glad I caught ya.
Who’s this? Your daughter?
Your girlfriend looks great, you want a date?
Just pullin’ your tit, mate.
Stay! Cool!
I’ll bet you regret you ever messed with Bret and the Tough Brets!
Stay cool! POW!

Unfortunately, Bret’s throwdown has no effect on the teenage punks, one of whom kicks him in the shin. Fortunately he is not afraid to kick back, and the kids take off running while Johnny Boy flips his lid: “You just kicked a kid! You could get 10 years for that!” Also fortunately, he knows of a hideout where he, Bret, and Dave can hide out till this blows over. Also unfortunately, said hideout (which belonged to the Dapper Dukes back in ’58), is no longer in existence, which sort of takes the shine off old Johnny Boy altogether. Thus he tenders his gang resignation, effective immediately, calling Bret “Little Louie” as he wanders sadly away.

Back home, Bret and Dave are summing up their losses when Jemaine returns to find that Mel’s fan art has reappeared and is now hanging on the wall in the kitchen. Likewise he is alarmed to see that it has grown 1000 times worse in its brief absence, since Mel has somewhat hastily inserted Bret (who like Jemaine is  shirtless, short-shorted, and weirdly over-muscled), and positioned him so that he is both standing behind Jemaine and hugging him around the waist. Jemaine snatches the painting from the wall with an “ugh” and heads back out to the trash. (“How come I’m wearing gun boots?” Bret says to his back.) Only Mel is still lurking about, stalking the garbage bins, and Jemaine is forced to tells her he’s taking the painting for a walk. To show the neighborhood. Mel just could not be more thrilled, and would love to tag along: “I’m proud of it too!” she crows, and they march off together, “for a big art opening around the block!”

Back upstairs, the cops have come calling. Dave panics and insists that he’s not going back to the Big House, hustling out the window while Bret answers the door. My stars, tangling with the law two weeks in a row! Bret hasn’t gotten any better at lying since the whole tea cup prostitution deal, either, and doesn’t even try when the cops tell him somebody in the neighborhood kicked a kid. “Yeah, it was me. That was my gang,” he admits, while behind him we see Dave fall backwards off the window ledge. The car alarm sounds when he hits the street below, just as the cop tells Bret to stay cool and not kick any more children. (This he follows up with “We’ll let this go, because we don’t like that particular kid,” which is definitely the best thing I’ve heard a cop say in a while.) Bret closes the door and steps back inside while the car alarm continues to wail.

Saturday: the Conchords and Murray visit Dave in the hospital, where he’s lying in traction with a broken arm and leg. He tells Bret that he’s leaving the gang. And, since Johnny Boy quit and the Li’s have decamped for Taiwan—where their son Phang just graduated from dental school—Bret is now officially a gang of one. Leading him to finally invite Jemaine and Murray to join, which is what they’ve both been pining for all along. That is, until Dave advises Jemaine to quit, which he immediately agrees to do, meaning his gang affiliation lasted approximately two seconds longer than his library bass solo. And of course once Jemaine is out, Bret is out. Not Murray, though. Murray stands tall, alone: “I’m the gang. I’m the Tough Brets,” he announces. Which, alas, is just as it should be.